Tag Archives: The Lever

A tied election where both candidates won

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Here’s a feel-good story from a mostly feel-bad election. In Galt, California, Matthew Pratton and Bonnie Rodriguez each got 3,882 votes for one seat on the city council. After jokesters (including Pratton) suggested the election be decided by a milking contest, a chicken chase, or wrestling in Jell-O, the parties settled on drawing straws.

Pratton won the draw. But here’s what I love, love, love about this story. Another member of the council, Rich Lozano, had to resign because he was elected to a different office. So Pratton and the other council members appointed Rodriguez to fill the vacant seat.

Aw. So much winning! For real. Continue Reading →

Sorry about those drones. Our bad.

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As I write this column, the mystery of the New Jersey drones remains unsolved. To end the suspense, I’ve decided to come clean. The drones are probes sent out by a mothership sent to bring Charles and me back to our home planet. (See undoctored photo for proof of our true identity. Photo credit, Kathy Byrnes. Not an alien.)

Because Charles and I live in Iowa, a.k.a. fly-over country (definitely the best place to be whether you’re evading aliens, rising seas, wildfires, costly housing, or insufferable coastal elites), our alien-homies never thought to look beyond “greater New York” to track us down. Silly aliens.

So, in the interest of ending this plague of drones ruining Christmas for New Jerseyans, Charles and I are turning ourselves in. Come get us, you bug-eyed bastards.

Charles and l will soon board the mothership for the long flight back to our home planet, where we expect to be tried for defamation for much of what we’ve said on this program over the past 15 years. Hey, it’ll probably turn out better for us than being sued for defamation by Donald Trump. Continue Reading →